Parenting and the Garden of Eden

Our daughter Abigail is just finishing her junior year of high school. It’s hard to believe before the year is over she’ll be 18 years old, officially an adult in the eyes of the law. I still remember looking at her in her crib thinking, “I can’t believe she’s been with us 100 days already.” 

I’ve learned so many things raising her, especially when it comes to coaching and influencing others. We’ve been blessed because she’s a wonderful person with an unbelievable heart for people.

This may seem like a paradox but we have almost no rules and yet we almost never have to discipline her. You might think someone with no rules would be a loose cannon, especially during the teen years, but it’s been exactly the opposite.

Pondering this made me think how prohibiting certain things can sometimes have the opposite of the intended effect, making the person want to break the rules all the more. It reminds me of God prohibiting Adam and Eve from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Once the tree was deemed off limits, Eve viewed something that was there all along - the tree smack dab in the middle of the garden - in a new and different way.

For those who’ve raised kids you know the moment you tell them they can’t do, touch, taste, or listen to something, that seems to be all the want.

I believe scarcity is at the root of the issue. This principle of influence tells us people want more of what they can’t have.  So tell a kid they can’t watch a movie and their curiosity is piqued as they begin to wonder, “What’s so bad in the movie that mom and dad don’t want me to see it?”

When comes to parenting I really knew we were on the right track several years ago when my mom relayed a conversation to me that she’d had with Abigail. My mom was talking about rules when Abigail would get her license and Abigail told her she really didn’t have any rules. Of course my mom insisted she did and Abigail replied, “No grandma, I really don’t have any rules but I wouldn’t do anything to break my parents trust.” Wow! I don’t think I could have asked for any more than that.

How did we get to that point? I think two things contributed significantly – time and communication.

As an only child we devoted lots of time to Abigail. Jane gave up a successful career in insurance to stay home and raise her. Losing her income necessitated other sacrifices too but they were all more than worth it.

I made it a priority to be around as much as possible to attend school events and participate in lots of father-daughter activities like the YMCA’s Indian Princess program. When Abigail graduated from that program we participated together in taekwondo for many years. It was normal for us to hop in the car and go do something together multiple times a week.

In the midst of all that time together I made it a point to talk with Abigail a lot and always gave her room to share her thoughts and feelings. As my good friend, and life coach, Dennis Stranges once said, I helped her find her voice so she felt free to share whatever was on her mind and whatever was going on in her life.

When you have conversations like we had you go beyond rules – do this, don’t do that – and spend time talking about the whys behind the things we’d ask her to do or refrain from.

As she showed good judgment we kept extending responsibility and emphasized that we’d continue to give more as she displayed more responsibility. It feeds on itself in a very positive way and everyone wins.

When I say we don’t have rules there are certainly things we don’t want her to do, such as have sex, drink, try drugs or participate in other activities that could be harmful to her. However, rather than lay down rules, she knows if we ask (not tell) her to do something or refrain from something that we have her best interests at heart. Consequently things that worry so many parents during the teen years have been non-issues for us.

So my advice to parents would be threefold – 1) spend lots of time with your kids, 2) communicate with them, and 3) try refraining from rules and instead discuss the whys behind what you ask of them. The earlier in their lives you begin the better but it’s never too late to start. And remember; give them the freedom to express themselves, even if you don’t fully agree with their likes and dislikes. Doing so will build trust and that’s where they’ll be open to what you have to share and that’s where you might be able to persuade them into good behavior rather than trying to force it.

Brian, CMCT® 
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

2 Simple Keys to Building Great Relationships

Whether professionally or personally I bet those of you reading this would like to have better relationships with certain people in your lives. You might realize a better relationship with coworkers would make work more enjoyable. If you’re in sales, stronger relationships with clients helps them stay with you and your firm longer. On a personal level life is more enjoyable with good friends and family you truly enjoy being around. 

I have good news – there are several simple things we can all do to build stronger, longer lasting relationships with people.

I was in Austin last month to host the Principles of Persuasion workshop for a group of agents and during the workshop we talked about two principles of influence that can create and strengthen relationships – liking and reciprocity.

Reciprocity is the principle that alerts us to this reality; when we do something for someone they usually feel some sense of obligation to “return the favor.” Why does engaging reciprocity help relationships? When you do something for someone else they usually appreciate the effort and in the midst of that they experience good feelings towards you. Those good feelings are a result of endorphins kicking in and their thoughts toward you are positive.

A word of caution – you don’t do things to build a “bank” of favors. We can all think of people we know who keep mental accounts and it usually makes us suspicious when they do something for us. I know I’ve encountered people like that and I find myself more focused on “what do you want” instead of appreciating what they’re doing.

Liking is the other relationship principle. We know we like people who like us and it makes everything easier when we have to deal with them. Getting people to like us is fairly easy. If you connect on things you have in common that’s a great way to start easy conversations and build from there. I always think of my wife, Jane, when it comes to this principle because if she sees someone wearing Pittsburgh Steelers clothing she almost always says, “Go Steelers.” In the blink of an eye they’re talking and you’d think they’d known each other for years.

Another simple way to engage liking is to share compliments with people when you note something praiseworthy. All too often people have good thoughts about others but don’t share them. You’ll get those endorphins flowing with the other person if you offer a sincere compliment. As Abraham Lincoln said, “Everyone likes a compliment.”

Now here’s the real key to liking and reciprocity – focus on the other person and their best interests, not your own. When it comes to reciprocity, become the kind of person who genuinely wants to help others. The more that people sense you have their best interests at heart the more open they’ll be to your offer to help. Don’t worry about what you’ll get in return, just give because the more you help people, the more they’ll want to help you. That’s why Zig Ziglar famously said, “You can get everything you want in life if you’ll just help enough other people get what they want.”

How do we focus on the other person with liking? Simple – don’t try to get them to like you, try to come to like them. The same things that will make people like you will make you like them. If you find you come from the same hometown, have the same pets, root for the same team, etc., it becomes easy for you to like them. And, as you see praiseworthy traits and verbalize them you begin to convince yourself the other person is really a good guy or gal. Believe me, the other person will sense when you truly like them and that’s when everything changes.

So the bottom line is this – look for ways to give and connect that are in the best interest of others. They’ll appreciate it and respond positively and it will have the same effect on you. It will truly be a win-win for everyone.

Brian, CMCT® 
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

Influencers from Around the World - An Accountability Partner Can Help Your Life

Readers of Influence PEOPLE know Hoh Kim because of his guest posts to the Influencers from Around the World series over the years. Hoh is also a Cialdini Method Certified Trainer® (CMCT®) and I actually met him when we trained together under Dr. Cialdini. In addition to his CMCT® Hoh has his masters in communication from Marquette University. I encourage you learn more about Hoh by visiting his website, The Lab h, and his blog, Cool Communications. You can also connect with Hoh on LinkedIn, Facebook and Twitter.

Brian, CMCT® 
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.

An Accountability Partner Can Help Your Life

1,000 Places to See Before You Die by Patricia Schultz is one of my favorite books. It has been the ultimate travel guide for me for many years. What are your “100 things to-do before you die” or perhaps more appropriately, “100 things to-do while you live”? If you need a reference, check the book 2 Do Before I Die: The Do-It-Yourself Guide to the Rest of Your Life by Michael Ogden and Chris Day. On your to-do list could be driving from Boston to Seattle, quitting your job and opening a restaurant, or countless other things.

Do you have a “10 things to do every day” list? It’s easy! Here's my example:

1. 30-minutes of exercise.

2. 30-minutes reading a classic book.

3. Help my wife.

4. Help one person outside of my home.

5. Plan for the next day.

6. Control my eating.

7. Not allow myself to be interrupted by SNS or my blackberry too much.

8. Focus one important thing for the day.

9. Not hurt someone by saying something bad or insensitive

10. Praise someone

You’ve probably heard of this kind of list from friends or seen it in movies like "The Bucket List" with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Having your “lifetime 100 to-do list” can help you live a more full life and your “daily 10 to-do list” can help you day by day. But, having lists is not enough. You need one more thing if you really want to achieve something on your daily life and lifetime – an accountability partner.

Here is an example of what an accountability partner means. Everyday at 10 pm I have a five-minute phone call with one of my friends. The call is simple. We ask each other about the “daily to-do list” we’ve shared beforehand and simply tell each other whether we fulfilled our 10 items or not. In this case, the friend becomes your accountability partner.

I got this idea from an article where Marshall Goldsmith, one of the best leadership coaches in the world, was interviewed. The term “accountability partner” came to my attention in the article, which was written by Natalie Houston.

Dr. Cialdini had said many times, “People need to publicly commit in order to leverage the principle of consistency.” This can happen when trying to persuade others and when persuading yourself. To better persuade yourself to do something, you need to commit to that something publicly, and having an accountability partner is an excellent way to do that.

So, why don't you grab a pencil and notebook, and start to develop your top 10 things you must do every day. Next, find your accountability partner and commit to check-in with each other. It may sound simple but, if you DO it daily, you will improve your life and experience more happiness and joy.

Hoh Kim, CMCT®

Founder & Head Coach, THE LAB h

This Post Might Just Save Your Life!

This blog post might just save your life! Well, not exactly. Truthfully, not even close. But you might be a little wiser for having read it, so I hope you’ll stay with me for a moment and continue reading.

You might be wondering why I went with such a sensationalized title. You could say it was manipulative, that I was just out to get you to read, and you’d be right. So why is a guy who blogs about ethical persuasion using a manipulative tactic? Simply to make this point – I’m so sick of seeing manipulative headlines I decided to write about it. Here are some that irritate me.

War on Christmas – Did you know there was a battle raging this past December and many soldiers lost their lives along with innocent civilians? This headline was especially prevalent on Fox News over the holidays. My dad was in Viet Nam and I’m willing to bet he and other veterans who’ve seen combat would not use the word “war” to describe the tactics used by groups who are opposed to Christmas.

Obama Declares War on the Citizens That Resist PPACA – Not only are we having to defend our lives against the Christmas rebel soldiers, we have to battle our own President! I saw this headline on LinkedIn. Again, the use of the word “war.” Really, the government is firing bullets and lives are being lost because of what Obama is doing? Please!

War on Women – I see this headline on Facebook a lot. I know women serve in the military and now engage the enemy in combat but apart from that there’s no war on women. Some people may be opposed to certain pieces of legislation but there’s no war.

Some of you are thinking this is no big deal. After all we were taught, “Sticks and stones can break my bones but names will never hurt me.” I’d counter with, “The pen is mightier than the sword.” You clearly know when you’re being physically assaulted but it’s not always so clear when it’s a mental assault. Whether or not you’re aware, those headlines impact people’s emotions and thinking and that’s exactly why the authors use the words they do.

Frank Luntz wrote a book about this very subject called Words that Work. Luntz polls people for a living to find out which words resonate most so he can help his clients with their messaging. As you begin to pay attention to word choice you can quickly tell which side of the issue a presenter is on. Let’s take a look at a couple of good examples.

Illegal Aliens vs. Undocumented Workers – Illegal is bad because it’s breaking the law. When we think of aliens it typically conjures up images of beings we must defeat before they take over our planet. Together “illegal aliens” builds a negative image and negative emotions. It leads to zealous thinking along the lines of, “We don’t want those illegal aliens in our country!”

On the other hand “undocumented” isn’t so bad. It makes it sound like someone lost his or her paperwork. That could happen to anyone. Workers aren’t bad either. We need more good workers in this country and we esteem a good work ethic. Together we have “undocumented workers” which creates a different mental picture and softer emotions. If we can get the proper paperwork they could help this country immensely because quite often they’re willing to do jobs the average citizen doesn’t want to do.

But let’s be clear; in the end both sides are talking about the very same thing. However, the word choice each uses builds different mental images and those mental images are designed to arouse completely different emotions. Both are trying to get us to form very different opinions on the same issue.

Death Tax vs. Estate Tax – This is another great example. No one likes to pay taxes but there’s a spectrum on which people fall when it comes to taxes. Some would like to pay as little as possible and damn the consequences. Others see taxes as necessary to build a strong society and infrastructure. The real question is what word will we use with taxes.

Death is not a good image no matter how you present it. Very few people want to die but when they do the last thing they want to think about is the government reaching into their casket for one last money grab. You mean even in death we can’t escape taxation? Outrage!

When you hear the word “estate” what do you think of? If you’re like most people you think about rich people because they’re the only ones who can afford to live on sprawling estates. Why should their millions, or hundreds of millions, be passed on to some greedy spoiled kids who did nothing to build that fortune? Does the world need any more Paris Hiltons or Kardashian girls? With that imagery many people say, “Heck yea, take as much as you can so the rest of us don’t have to pay as much!”

Again, two sides talking about the same issue – taxing people’s accumulated assets when they pass on – using very different words. They want to arouse emotions and ultimately actions.

It’s not like Sgt. Joe Friday who used to say in the television series Dragnet, “Just the facts.” Watch Fox and MSNBC or CNN and you’ll think they’re from two different planets despite talking about the same issues facing our country. Pay close attention to the words used because there are many issues that impact each of us – taxation, abortion, gun control, health care, etc. – and how we’re persuaded to act will have to do in large part with how each side presents its case.

Brian, CMCT® 
influencepeople 
Helping You Learn to Hear “Yes”.